If you don't appreciate brown talk, this would be the time to step away, for the rest of you, let's talk poop knives.

If you missed my fascination with the Reddit tale of how this girl didn't realize her man had a poop knife their entire relationship, then here's the quick version. Apparently families have poop knives. They are anything from a metal ruler to a butter knife to a mail opener on a string. When your #2 is too big to go down the toilet hole, you cut it up with the poop knife so your toilet doesn't get all clogged up. I TOLD YOU TO TURN AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE BROWN TALK. Personally, I've never known anyone to have one of these tools, but the original Reddit thread prompted loads of responses from people declaring that they also grew up with a PK in the home and still own one.

The original poster explained that the way he found out that not everyone has a PK was first, when he hollered for the PK at a party and nobody knew WTF he was talking about, and next, when he yelled out the bathroom door for his wife to bring him the PK from the utility room and she had no idea what he meant. Turns out she had been using the PK to open her Amazon packages, never knowing what it was really for. Now that you're up to date, let's talk about the new, literal poop knife I just learned about.

Two research teams of actual scientists recently studied and experimented to see if a prehistoric knife made out of frozen human feces would actually work for cutting through animal hide, specifically a pig. They wanted to know if a historical warrior had his weapons taken away, could he make a weapon from frozen doodoo. They were very scientific about the whole thing, eating an "arctic diet" and everything. Turns out the answer is no, a literal frozen poop knife is not an effective tool.

Not only have you learned something today, now you have a couple of stories to share at Thanksgiving dinner. You're welcome. By the way, the frozen poop knife researchers won themselves a 2020 Ig Nobel Prize, which are satirical awards given each year to scientific projects that make you laugh and make you think. Also, can you imagine owning a utility room poop knife, not the frozen kind, in the age of The Great Clorox Wipes Shortage? OH HELL NO.