10 Types of Guys You’ll Find at a Missoula Bar
In a place like Missoula, where the majority of adult activities take place in a downtown bar or brewery, it's a safe bet that you'll find at least one guy from every category (See Below) taking up residence.
As a single female, I've got a lot of time to secretly judge people from a table for one in the back corner of a bar. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not salty about being single. Playing the field is what I do best...
So with that being said, here's a list of 10 types of guys you're sure to find at a downtown Missoula bar:
Military guys are pretty easy to spot with their buzzed haircuts, tight t-shirts and jacked upper bodies. These dudes typically travel in packs and generally keep to themselves. They are usually respectful and will often times step-in to end an aggressive altercation and help a damsel in distress. So if you see a military guy, smile, thank them for their service and buy them a round because they deserve it!
Have you ever met someone that you instantly hate? 9 times out of 10 they were probably a 'Come at me bro' guy. They usually latch themselves onto unsuspecting victims and suck the fun out of everything like a leach! These A-holes blame the world for their problems and will try and pick a fight with anyone anywhere by saying something douchey like 'Whatchu lookin' at' or 'Come at me bro!' So the best thing to do when you see one of these guys? WALK AWAY! You can't change a guy who most likely has a small penis and daddy issues.
The University of Montana has been the home to many people who have gone on to become famous and do great things. But the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and a lot of the 'great ones' come back in hopes to relive their glory days. These guys are like peacocks in a room full of turtles. They'll wear the fancy clothes, drive Corvettes in a snow storm and show off their success by buying a round of drinks for everyone in the bar. Other than being super annoying these guys are your best shot at getting free drinks all night. So put aside your dignity for just one night and enjoy the free drunk ride! Just don't forget your ear plugs.
Frat guys might be the easiest ones to spot because they usually travel in packs of 20+ and start chants for no particular reason. They like polo shirts, drinking games, school spirit and are primarily made up of former student body presidents. As a whole, these guys really aren't that bad, you pretty much know what you're gonna get. They'll be loud and slightly obnoxious but they're usually really nice and can easily be talked into doing something stupid. So if you're looking for some free entertainment just wait for the frat guys to walk in!
This is Missoula after all, so if you stick your arm out in any direction you're bound to hit a stoner. Stoner guys are a mix of semi-normal looking dudes and hippies. You'll often smell them before you see them but for the most part they'll keep to their group of fellow stoners in a dark corner of the bar. These guys are normally really nice and typically too stoned to care about anything. If you're looking for an interesting conversation, it's hard to top one you'd probably have with a stoner. They can be anything from conspiracy theories to political corruption or for the less stoned maybe art and music. All in all stoners are pretty fun and they'll be anyone's friend in exchange for a bong rip or a hit off a blunt.
Seeing one of these guys out of the gym and drinking a beer in a bar is nothing short of a miracle. So if you see one, put down you beer and go buy yourself a lottery ticket because your luck might be a changin'!!! lol These guys have muscles on muscles and usually shop for their clothes in the children's section. But even though their love for the gym is at times excessive, these dudes aren't all bad. I mean you can't really fault them for taking really good care of their bodies and living a healthier lifestyle than most people. So the next time you see one of these guys sitting at the bar, give 'em a chance! If anything you could get a free personal trainer out of it...
Now the 'old guy' can be split up into two categories. The first being the cool old guy who tells really great stories, doesn't try and look down a girl's top and generally is just fun to be around. Or the second is the gross old guy who instantly looks down a girl's top, is always trying to touch something (#Ew) and tries desperately to be 'one of the guys.' Over the years I've met my fair share of old guys and some pretty epic stories came out it. So if you see an old guy, give 'em a chance. If he's cool, definitely stay! If he's gross, BAIL BAIL BAIL!!!
This guy usually stumbles into the bar with at least a steady buzz and then really commits to a night of drunkin' sloppiness. Obviously the more you drink the more you lose control of your body and reality in general. There are 3 distinct factors that separate a too drunk guy from just a regular drunk guy.
- 1 or 2 lazy eyes
- Garbled speech
- Obvious stumbling
So if you come across this too drunk guy, don't let him drown in a toilet. Call over a bouncer or send him home in a nice comfy Uber.
Every bar needs 'fill people.' Missoula's fill people are hipsters. Hipsters are generally harmless. They are often seen wearing Patagonia, Carhartts and some sort of flannel. Hipsters typically earn their living in one of three ways:
- Raft Guide
- Fishing Guide
- Ski Resort
These hipster guys also favor thick grizzly beards. If you see a hipster, some safe conversation starters are Glacier National Park (Do you even hike bro?), outdoor activities (hiking, camping, backpacking, fishing etc.) and global warming. Hipsters make up the majority of the Missoula population so don't try and fight it. Embrace the hipster.
This guy is like finding a Lucky Charms box filled with only marshmallows. He's the type of guy that can give any female a hot flash with just a look. He makes Ryan Gosling look like a doofus. Prince Charming will hold the door for every lady and come to their aide should they need him. He'll buy the woman who captures his heart all the cosmos she can drink and will actually listen to her when she speaks. Prince Charming is perfect. So when he makes his grand entrance into the bar, all bets are off because all is fair in love and war!